Love, Alcohol & Lust

Romance and love, what a lovely duo Hollywood has unfortunately exploited.

If you’re like me, a woman who grew up with a parent who thoroughly enjoyed rom-coms, your holidays are partially consumed with watching Hallmark movies on the couch while stuffing your face with home-made popcorn with Mom. And don’t get me wrong, as terrible as these movies are, I to this day don’t hate it. In fact, as much as I hate to admit this, I kind of like it.

But, what I’ve always been very aware of is that society has tainted what real love actually is. They set unrealistic expectations for young women and men to have when it comes to meeting “the one.” Hollywood paints this picture of this phenomenal show-stopping moment where you meet eyes with a woman or man across the room, the world stops, and three days later you’re madly in love. But that’s not love, it’s lust.

Throughout the years, many people have admired the tragic love story of Romeo and Juliet. Now, what most people fail to realize is that it’s not a love story at all, it’s quite simply a tragedy. Shakespear dubbed it one himself. If you live under a rock and don’t know the tale, let me quickly break it down for you:

Two star-crossed teenagers suddenly fall in love despite their families hating each other. The feud between the families drives them both to kill themselves as a result of not being able to live without the other. But despite the tragedy of their deaths, it ultimately ends up reconciling their feuding families. This all happens over a period of five days. FIVE DAYS!

My impression of this story is simple: Yikes.

Now, not every Hollywood rom-com paints the tragedy above, but there are a lot of movies and books out there that paint an unrealistic fairytale for young men and women. And I’m talking about those stories where the city girl has to travel to an obscure small town, meets the local bad-boy, two weeks later are madly in love, and BOOM they’re getting married.

How insane is that?! I mean come on, Hollywood.

Now, don’t get me wrong though, this does actually happen from time to time. People fall in love every day. And on the small chance that you’re one of the couples that this has happened to and you’re still kickin’ it, you should be very aware that this is not the norm. In fact, it’s insanely rare, but shouldn’t be discounted or seen as not special.

But you see, love is not enough. Romance is not enough for people.

As a romantic myself, I thoroughly enjoy some good romancing. I love to receive random flowers, verbal affirmation, sweet letters… you name it, I eat that stuff up. I also really love to give love, but not just in the romantic sense. I enjoy showing love to my family and friends. I find joy in ensuring that those around me know that I appreciate, value, and love them.

That all said, fundamentally at our cores, what people really want the most is a combination of being understood, appreciated, respected, and loved. Again, it’s not just love, love isn’t enough.

A mistake many people make, and I’ll completely admit that I catch myself doing this, is becoming consumed by the initial attraction of interest we find with another individual. That brief period that can last for two hours, two weeks, or two months, is thoroughly exhilarating. Remember that word lust I mentioned above? This is lust, my friend.

We get so swept up in the idea of another human who is attractive, interesting, perhaps mysterious, new, or exciting. And sometimes in the process, we forget ourselves.

Lust is fun though. It really is.

I like to also call lust the "romance of newness." When we begin lusting after a new human being we’re attracted towards, we become enthralled with the idea of starting something new and exciting that we get swept up in the idea of a new person. And it’s great. It’s almost like alcohol. Believe me, I love how intoxicating it is.

But lust isn't permanent. It either evolves into something bigger, like love, or it dissipates.

The pivotal moment where lust evolves is when you hit a point in the relationship where you find that you want them around for more than just a little while. It could be due to a multitude of actions or feelings, but the bottom line is, you simply want them around and in your life as more than just a short-term relationship or a one-night stand.

Sometimes we can’t help when we feel this way, or when we don’t. And that’s completely normal. But what I think is important to recognize is that it’s also a choice. Love is not just a feeling, it’s a choice.

Sure, you can’t deny your feelings about something or someone. They’re literally your feelings. As the saying goes, the heart wants what the heart wants. But what people sometimes don’t realize is that feelings aside, we also have a choice. We can choose to walk away, continue, pause, put in the effort, or not.

The shitty side of all of this though, is that sometimes we get wrapped up in the intoxication of newness. We become unconsciously focused on the initial excitement of the romance of newness that when life starts to go on and this newness fades, we get bored and want that newness again. Thus, the brief relationship ends, and we go looking for that newness feeling again.

It’s an unhealthy cycle.

So dude, stop chasing that feeling. You’re never going to find what you’re looking for if you chase the feeling of lust. You’ll end up with a mountain of failed, brief relationships that are unfulfilling.

Real love is more than just a feeling of wanting someone, it’s putting in the effort and taking the leap of faith to see where something beautiful can grow. Love and romance require work.

That said, I’m a firm believer that when you feel something, there’s no denying it. If you feel like something is missing, it usually is. If you feel like you’re falling for another person, you probably are.

Real love takes a heap of effort. It’s not all sunshine and rainbows, hun. Love isn’t as shiny as the lust we initially feel for the other human, in fact sometimes it’s pretty unattractive. The fact is, romance fades over time.

Love should also be easy. If it’s always hard, it’s not right. On the flip side, you should never stay with someone because you’re complacent and it’s easier to stay than go.

You see, everyone needs to have a standard in which they give and receive love. A standard to which they hold themselves to.

I’m no expert, clearly, considering I'm a single 26-year-old woman living in New York City whose had a plethora of failed Hinge dates and relationships... I've written about one or two, and one day I’ll probably write something about the men I’ve met on Hinge, but that’s for another fun post.

The thing we also forget too is that in order to love someone else, you have to love yourself first. You have to romance yourself a bit. And believe it or not, it’s actually kind of fun to spoil yourself from time to time. Be intoxicated with yourself (but not obsessed, no one likes someone who is full of themselves). You see, learning to truly love yourself teaches you how to give love to others.

There is nothing more attractive than someone who is confident in their own skin. It’s captivating, respectable, and their confidence is contagious. It’s one of the reasons why I was inspired to start really loving the way I look and who I am as a woman.

Through seeing other people, good people, celebrate themselves gracefully, I actively decided a long time ago to look at myself differently. My body, while it’s not perfect by any means, is a temple. And I recognize that while I may have my off days, bad hair days, days where my teeth don’t look as white, or my jeans don’t fit just right, I’m beautiful in my own way. And most of all, I love who I am and who I’m working to be.

My point in talking about all of the above is to remind yourself to pull out of the fog of romance and love that Hollywood wrote, and really start appreciating and loving who you are and the process. Love the process, not the game. Learn to love the problems too, not just the outcome.

Love can be so positively intoxicating when you put in the effort to not just love the other person, but also yourself.

If you’re single, try romancing yourself for a change. Buy your own flowers. Wake up early to go grab a coffee from your favorite spot down the block. Run or exercise to better yourself and your health. Cook your favorite meal. Buy that bottle of your favorite wine, and enjoy it cozied up under a warm blanket. Eat that slice of cheesecake for one.

If you’re in a relationship and craving a bit of romance, try giving it to your partner instead of wishing for it to be received. Try giving more. Make their favorite meal one random day of the week as a surprise. Leave them a sweet note to find. Go out of your way to plan a fun evening tailored to something that you both thoroughly enjoy. You’ll be surprised what a small act of kindness, or romance, can do.

Real love and romance, not the unrealistic president Hollywood has instilled, is so much more rewarding. When you truly love something and put in the effort, it becomes easy. And I hope that whether you have this kind of love, or not, that you enjoy it... because man is it fun when it's right.